I hope you all are having a wonderful Easter holiday. It's been so beautiful today, I thought I'd write outside. I've been going back and forth this week as to whether I wanted talk about the happenings of the last week and a half or not for fear that talking about it might somehow make it not happen. But thanks to the encouragement of a sweet friend and childhood pen pal I ran into at church while trying to get away from the anxiety of another baby dedication, I've decided to go ahead and post about it.
"They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord." (Psalm 112:7 NIV)
As I've already posted about in the last few weeks, we started new medication this month. I had my first ultrasound on day 12 of my cycle, and praise the Lord, we actually had a follicle! My doctor said it was perfect, just perfect! Until this season in our lives I never knew a person could love a follicle, but it is very possible. This is definitely an answer to prayer. I went back this past Friday to check my progesterone levels. I do not know the results yet, but we are continuing to pray with expectancy for that as well.
Something that doesn't get as much attention drawn to it in the midst of a couple's baby journey, and something we've been dealing with this week, is the extra stress that it puts on the husband and wife relationship. This time should be one of drawing closer to one another and enjoying each other as you try for a baby, but all too often it's not. This last week has been the "not" side of that for Josh and I. If we aren't careful as women, we or I, can focus too much on getting a baby and forget how that could make my husband feel. He doesn't want to feel like a means to an end any more than I do. The schedules and counting can get to a guy, or at least it gets to Josh anyway. I take for granted that he knows I love him and want to be with him whether we get pregnant or not. I have to remember to show him.
Josh is much better at the waiting than I am. He will be happy if God gives us a baby today or 10 years from now. He knows God is in control. That, however, is the bit of wisdom I tend to forget. We must remind each other also that men and women see this subject COMPLETELY differently. When Josh reminds me that it's God's plan not mine, I have to take that to heart and not get angry with him. And when I cry and ask God why, Josh has to remember the Lord has given me this desire for a child. It's a blessing, not a curse. Although in all honesty, I've wondered at times.
I want to share the lyrics to a song that we've sang at church the last few weeks. I would definitely encourage you to buy the album or at least look it up online. It's a song called "Oceans" by Hillsong United on their Zion album. I keep repeating these words over and over. Hopefully they minister to you as much as they did me.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery
In oceans deep my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and won't start now
So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust
Is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my
Feet would ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Amen!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Shooting Myself in the Foot
I guess since its closer to Sunday I can say I'm a day early with this week's post, rather than almost a week late for the last one. I just couldn't settle on what to write about. Nothing was coming to me, so I just didn't do it. But after my week and then life group this last Thursday, I had to. I know I've told y'all before about how important it is to get with a group of people that can encourage you, but I'm going to do it again! Do it!! Sorry, rabbit trail.
I should probably start with what happened last week. A week ago Friday, I woke up to that old familiar sting in my side. Shingles. Oh how I hate shingles! Immediately I was livid. I thought I'd been doing so well with handling the stress and anxiety. God, this time it wasn't my fault! I didn't deserve it this time. "We're just gonna believe you're gonna be healed", Josh said. Yet again, my sweet Joshua was there to have faith when I didn't.
That next night we were supposed to go to a barn meeting to hear a group of men from our church speak. All day my side screamed at me. I was so worn down by that afternoon, I was ready to tell Josh that I was just going to stay home and sleep. But I knew in my spirit I couldn't miss this one. So I drug my bad attitude with us to my parent's house, and then we all rode together to the barn meeting. As soon as we got there Josh went straight to my former youth pastor (He and his wife also did our premarital counseling.), who was also going to be speaking that night, and told him I needed to be prayed for to have my shingles healed. I knew praying for it to be healed was the right thing to do, but I was just going to quietly do it myself - not bring it out in front everyone. Thankfully, God and Josh had other plans. Towards the end of the service, they asked if anyone wanted to be prayed for. Josh instantly stood up and waited for me to stand up too. They prayed for me, and then a few others as well. My arm and side didn't immediately stop itching or hurting, so I just prayed to myself "Lord if you won't do it to increase my faith, at least do it to increase theirs." The next morning I woke up hoping it would be gone, but I looked down at my arm and it was still there. I didn't know it yet, but Josh had woke up to see if it was gone too. He told me later that he just prayed again for it to be healed, and then we went on and got ready for church.
Our week started as usual. No big deal. I had noticed that my shingles wasn't spreading like it normally did, but didn't think much of it. After that Monday though, my side didn't hurt any more. By Thursday, the spots on my side were gone and the one on my arm was on its way out. I hadn't noticed, but the Lord was healing the shingles! Praise the Lord! It may have not been instantly, but a few days is a whole lot better than a few weeks like it had been in the past.
Thursday meant life group night. The couple who leads our life group were both going to speak. He started us in Matthew 7. The part that jumped out to me was this:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11 NIV)
I had heard these verses a thousand times before, but they've had knew meaning since our struggle with infertility began. The leader's wife then started talking about what she had read that day about expectancy and the power of our words. "How many times have you asked God for something, and then ten minutes later said something that contradicted your prayers?", she asked. She used the example of asking God for His blessings and abundance, and then in the next breath saying you can't afford something. (*that does not mean do something stupid.) It's exactly like shooting yourself in the foot! I have been praying and asking God for a baby for almost three years. Have I been contradicting my prayers this whole time?
We started back on the medications this week. It's our first time to try Femara. That means next week we have our first of probably several ultrasounds and blood work and such. That Thursday night I realized something. As I had been preparing myself for the ultrasounds and doctor visits, I had been telling my heart not to expect anything! I was so afraid of getting my heart broken and getting shingles all over again that I was already disbelieving that God could do a miracle. Lord, forgive me. Josh and I have been really trying over the last few days to speak and expect God to move on our behalf.
So with a new hope, Josh and I are truly and wholeheartedly believing that God will give us a baby. I want to challenge you to do the same in whatever area you are praying for. Hold on to His promises. Speak life into your situation!!
I should probably start with what happened last week. A week ago Friday, I woke up to that old familiar sting in my side. Shingles. Oh how I hate shingles! Immediately I was livid. I thought I'd been doing so well with handling the stress and anxiety. God, this time it wasn't my fault! I didn't deserve it this time. "We're just gonna believe you're gonna be healed", Josh said. Yet again, my sweet Joshua was there to have faith when I didn't.
That next night we were supposed to go to a barn meeting to hear a group of men from our church speak. All day my side screamed at me. I was so worn down by that afternoon, I was ready to tell Josh that I was just going to stay home and sleep. But I knew in my spirit I couldn't miss this one. So I drug my bad attitude with us to my parent's house, and then we all rode together to the barn meeting. As soon as we got there Josh went straight to my former youth pastor (He and his wife also did our premarital counseling.), who was also going to be speaking that night, and told him I needed to be prayed for to have my shingles healed. I knew praying for it to be healed was the right thing to do, but I was just going to quietly do it myself - not bring it out in front everyone. Thankfully, God and Josh had other plans. Towards the end of the service, they asked if anyone wanted to be prayed for. Josh instantly stood up and waited for me to stand up too. They prayed for me, and then a few others as well. My arm and side didn't immediately stop itching or hurting, so I just prayed to myself "Lord if you won't do it to increase my faith, at least do it to increase theirs." The next morning I woke up hoping it would be gone, but I looked down at my arm and it was still there. I didn't know it yet, but Josh had woke up to see if it was gone too. He told me later that he just prayed again for it to be healed, and then we went on and got ready for church.
Our week started as usual. No big deal. I had noticed that my shingles wasn't spreading like it normally did, but didn't think much of it. After that Monday though, my side didn't hurt any more. By Thursday, the spots on my side were gone and the one on my arm was on its way out. I hadn't noticed, but the Lord was healing the shingles! Praise the Lord! It may have not been instantly, but a few days is a whole lot better than a few weeks like it had been in the past.
Thursday meant life group night. The couple who leads our life group were both going to speak. He started us in Matthew 7. The part that jumped out to me was this:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11 NIV)
I had heard these verses a thousand times before, but they've had knew meaning since our struggle with infertility began. The leader's wife then started talking about what she had read that day about expectancy and the power of our words. "How many times have you asked God for something, and then ten minutes later said something that contradicted your prayers?", she asked. She used the example of asking God for His blessings and abundance, and then in the next breath saying you can't afford something. (*that does not mean do something stupid.) It's exactly like shooting yourself in the foot! I have been praying and asking God for a baby for almost three years. Have I been contradicting my prayers this whole time?
We started back on the medications this week. It's our first time to try Femara. That means next week we have our first of probably several ultrasounds and blood work and such. That Thursday night I realized something. As I had been preparing myself for the ultrasounds and doctor visits, I had been telling my heart not to expect anything! I was so afraid of getting my heart broken and getting shingles all over again that I was already disbelieving that God could do a miracle. Lord, forgive me. Josh and I have been really trying over the last few days to speak and expect God to move on our behalf.
So with a new hope, Josh and I are truly and wholeheartedly believing that God will give us a baby. I want to challenge you to do the same in whatever area you are praying for. Hold on to His promises. Speak life into your situation!!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Momma said.
This last week has been pretty good for Josh and I. No major meltdowns! Woohoo!! And as much as I don't want to admit that my mom and dad were right all those years, I have to own up to the reasons I feel that I've been more encouraged and on the happier end of the spectrum this week.
I grew up in a pretty strict Christian household. I am extremely thankful for this upbringing now, but not so much as a teenager. One of the house rules was that I was not allowed to listen to secular/non-Christian music. Ever since then I have been trying to justify to myself that it does not matter what you listen to on a regular basis. That is, until recently. And at the risk of sounding like my mother, it does make a difference in the way I feel and think when I have non-encouraging music going through my brain all day. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy those other genres anymore, but I've found that my mood and attitude are better when those other types are not the majority.
Another thing that keeps me upbeat is being in our life group. Infertility has a nasty little habit of making its prisoners feel like they are totally and completely alone. Being plugged in to a church and a small group has had such a profound effect on Josh and I. We get at least two chances a week to be lifted up and reminded that we aren't alone. Others are struggling too! It may not be with the same things, but having that extended church family offers the opportunity to be lifted up by others. And then getting to do the same for them in return!
In closing, here's a verse that spoke to me this week:
"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18
That's a promise! Those who wait for Him will be blessed!!
I grew up in a pretty strict Christian household. I am extremely thankful for this upbringing now, but not so much as a teenager. One of the house rules was that I was not allowed to listen to secular/non-Christian music. Ever since then I have been trying to justify to myself that it does not matter what you listen to on a regular basis. That is, until recently. And at the risk of sounding like my mother, it does make a difference in the way I feel and think when I have non-encouraging music going through my brain all day. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy those other genres anymore, but I've found that my mood and attitude are better when those other types are not the majority.
Another thing that keeps me upbeat is being in our life group. Infertility has a nasty little habit of making its prisoners feel like they are totally and completely alone. Being plugged in to a church and a small group has had such a profound effect on Josh and I. We get at least two chances a week to be lifted up and reminded that we aren't alone. Others are struggling too! It may not be with the same things, but having that extended church family offers the opportunity to be lifted up by others. And then getting to do the same for them in return!
In closing, here's a verse that spoke to me this week:
"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18
That's a promise! Those who wait for Him will be blessed!!
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