Reality Check

This weekend at church I was ever so softly reminded that everything is not just about me and my struggles. A young woman from our church lost her battle with cancer this past week. She left her husband, parents, and young daughter behind as she went to meet our Lord. We don't sing many hymns during our worship services, but as we all sang "It is well with my soul" my heart just broke. Here I have been kicking and screaming at God for not giving me what I want when I want it, and a section over stands a woman holding her tiny granddaughter that will never get to grow up with her mother. I just wept, begging God's forgiveness for my being so selfish. 

That song has been in my head all day. This afternoon I googled it. Have you ever read about the man who wrote the song? His name is Horatio G. Spafford. Amazing. Look it up. After reading his story, I was again convicted for my own selfishness and anger. He lost everything. Not just once, but over and over again. And yet, he was never bitter. Can I truthfully say "whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul"? 

The message yesterday was about patience. I know you are probably getting that same knot in your stomach like I did when I realized what the message was on. I couldn't stand to hear another person tell me "Just be patient. It's the Lord's timing, not yours." or "As soon as you stop thinking about it, it'll happen.". As I struggled to listen with unbiased ears, this verse made it through to me:

But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. (2 Peter 3:8, 9 NLT)

Why does He feel the need to be patient for my sake? Could it possibly be that I tend to shut Him out when I let my anger and bitterness take over? Josh and I are have been reading the book "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. This is the second time for me, but the first for Josh. I'm finding so much that I forgot. In last nights chapter, she discussed bitterness. (Is anyone else sensing the theme of my Sunday? Is someone trying to tell me something?) She reminded me that God is a gentleman. He's not going to push through the walls of bitterness I've built to keep Him at a distance. That's how He has patience for my sake. 

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for being selfish and angry. Help me to weed out the roots of bitterness I've let take such deep hold in my soul. Thank you that you are a loving, just, faithful, and yes, even patient God.  Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I think it's time to give up on you. I love you, Lord. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

"Count your blessings instead of sheep."

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you that I've talked to or received emails from this week. Hearing that this blog helps to encourage you really encourages me!

I really wish I could start off by telling you all how this week has been so much better than last week, however that's just not the case. It seemed like every time I would start to feel like I was getting my head above the fog, Satan would come in and just push me right back down in it. 

This morning during worship we were singing about how much the Lord loves us, and I honestly couldn't even make myself say the words of the song. I know in my head that God loves me, but my heart just hasn't felt it lately. No sooner had I started telling God that I just didn't believe it today, a sweet friend on the worship team started praying over the microphone for "someone here" who just didn't feel that God loved them. Thank you Lord that you hear the prayers of your people! He loves us enough to make that happen.

The student's pastor continued the series on the fruits of the spirit this week with a message on joy. It's hard to remember this at times, but I have to choose joy. When I wake up in the morning, when it seems like everyone I see is pregnant, when I see another unwed teenager pushing her four small children around in her cart at Walmart, when I hear of another drug addict choosing her poison over caring for her infant - I have to choose joy. I cannot let anger and jealousy rule my heart. I may not understand His plan, but it's just that - His plan, not mine.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NLT)

God didn't accidentally give those girls I feel don't know what kind of gift they've been given a baby and not me. He has a perfect plan for me and the baby I long for as well as those women. In the meantime I will strive to be grateful for what I have been given. A loving husband, an amazing family, a church I love, and such awesome people standing in this time with me and continuing to pray for our coming miracle. 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NLT)

Amen.

Bad Mood Blues

Confession: I woke up this morning in quite the terrible mood and didn't even feel the want to change it for most of the day. And if we're being completely truthful, even after a much needed afternoon nap I'm not entirely sure that it's gone yet.  There, I said it. How's that for Sunday honesty?

Today I'm on day 26 in my cycle. My cycles are a little longer than most women stretching out to around 35 days. It's usually about this time though that I hit that wall of hopelessness as I stare down the barrel of another childless month. It seemed like this whole week every tiny thing pushed me closer to the edge. Even something as silly as getting a post card reminder that it was time to schedule my yearly exam at the OBGYN. That means I'm going to have to face my doctor and make a decision as to where we go from here. I wouldn't say that I've "enjoyed" our time off of trying with meds and ultrasound visits, but the lack of stress between Josh and I has been nice. 

The message at church today was a beginning to a series on the fruits of the spirit. As our pastor read in Galations 5, I was reminded of how many of these attributes barrenness has robbed from me.

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! (Galatians 5:22, 23 NLT)

I heard something on the radio this week that summed up this time in my life well. The short program was during the Life Change Moment that runs on KLOVE. The woman speaking was describing her battle through infertility and the loss of a child almost at full term. She used the phrase "holy ache" to perfectly describe the pain a woman feels longing to hold a child of her own. Strangely, one of Josh's aunts had used the same word to characterize the situation a week before in speaking about the mother in law I never had the privilege to meet and myself. (Josh's mom passed away from breast cancer when he was 13.) She too thought she wasn't able to get pregnant and longed to have a child. But thankfully after many years, her prayers were answered with the birth of the child I now have the honor to call my husband. 

The dictionary defines the word "ache" as a dull, persistant (usually moderately intense) pain, to feel physical pain, or to have a desire for something or someone who is not present. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to describe to Josh what this feels like. I know he wants a child too, but he will never be able to understand the longing a woman feels in this situation. I have to remind myself of that often. God put this desire in me as well as countless other women as well.

I also looked up the word "ache" in the bible. These are a few verses I found:

You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book. (Psalm 56:8 MSG)

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:26-28 MSG)

All of this hit me this morning in the form of this question. How does one continue to display these fruits of the spirit while simultaneously feeling this unsatisfiable ache in their soul? You think I have the answer? I wish. All I know is, there is a reason Josh and I were given this road to take. God has a purpose for our lives and for the tiny life we ache to bring into this world. The Lord has not forgotten us, and will see us through to the end. Amen.

Did I ask for this?

We've had an amazing week soaking up the beautiful Carolina sunshine. And thanks to my poor sunscreen application skills, my poor Joshua's back looks like he has tiger stripes due to that same sunshine. Vacations are wonderful little escapes from reality. Monday morning's 6:30 alarm, I'm sure, will have no trouble bringing me back from fantasy land though.

We had planned on getting up at 4:00 this morning to start the long drive back home. I never sleep well the night before I know I have to get up extra early. So as I stared at the inside of my eyelids, my mind started to wander. My momma always said if you can't sleep you should pray, so that's what I decided to do. I thanked the Lord for our trip, prayed for a safe journey home, and all the normal things. And of course, my prayers always lead to asking for a baby. 

These last few weeks I've been asking God why He hasn't given us a baby. Not the usual angry yelling "why God?!", but a genuine wondering if there was a specific reason as to why we hadn't received our gift yet. Last night as I prayed, I think I got an answer - or at least part of one.

Growing up, my parents were great encouragers. They instilled in me a self worth and confidence that sadly a lot of people don't get. As a child I probably thought a little too highly of myself at times, but hey, I've never claimed humility to be my strong suit. My parents tried for a year to get pregnant with me. I remember my mom telling me on several occasions that I was special because she had prayed and asked the Lord for me. I was their pearl. 

I recall thinking that was so awesome. I was an answer to their prayers. And last night as I prayed, God reminded me of something else...I had asked Him for the same with my children. When I was a child, when I was a teenager, when Josh and I got married, over and over and over I had told God I wanted to pray for my babies too. I didn't want surprises. I wanted to be able to tell my children the same things I was told. 

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”  

(1 Samuel 1:27, 28 NIV)

Thank you Lord that you are answering my prayers. Three years into this journey they may not be the way I had planned, but they are answers none the same. I will continue to call things forth that are not as though they are. Amen.

" Abraham was first named "father" and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do. And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples." (Romans 4:17, 18 MSG)

Irony? Not a fan.

It seems to have been a while since I've posted. Sorry for that. No real reason I suppose, just enjoying my Sunday afternoons. I realized today how much I have missed doing it.

We're doing things differently this month. No meds. No ultrasounds. No appointments. And while I'm enjoying the lowered stress level not having these appointments brings, it still makes my heart a little anxious even writing those words - but I know it's where the Lord is leading us. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against medicine. I'm a registered nurse. I know it works...which makes not having it harder I think. Mine is an issue of faith. 

I'm sure the irony of today's church service was lost on most of the congregation, but a lengthy (to me) baby dedication followed by a message on not worrying was impossible to miss. I know I needed the reminder, but the surrounding situation was not fun. 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)

These verses were of course a big part of today's message. Reading over them at first makes me think whether we ever have a baby or not is a much bigger deal than what clothes I'm going to wear, but if I stopped there I'd be missing the point.    Aren't I more valuable to God than a bird or flowers? Yes, I am. He is aware and concerned with my wants and needs. Thanks to a dear friend's prayers today, I was reminded that Josh and I were given a promise. We will not give up on that promise. The friends that have joined with us in prayer will not give up. And for that we are truly grateful. 

Expectant Heart vs. Non-expectant Tummy

How does one keep an expectant heart when the rest of the body (Uterus, that means you.) refuses to come in line with that? If you think I'm about to give you the answer, you would be wrong. I was actually kind of hoping y'all might be able to answer it for me.

We got another maybe answer today. The blood work I had drawn on Friday came back just "ok". Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. -pounding head against wall- This really sucks!!!!! Sorry, but I needed to get that out. I am so thankful to have an amazing group of people that I know are praying for me during times like these.

I wish I had some sort of divine wisdom to share, but I'm honestly looking for some for myself this week. Lord, help me to continue to be obedient and trust You...especially when I'd rather just say screw it.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. (Isaiah 64:4 NIV)

Yes? No? Maybe.

I don't know about y'all, but I absolutely hate to hear the answer "maybe" when a question is asked. It could be the pessimist in me, but when I hear "maybe", my head translates that to "no".

We got a "maybe" answer this week at our day 12 follicle check ultrasound. The tech and the doctor couldn't tell if I had a cyst on my left ovary that had collapsed or if I had just ovulated. And as exciting as that should or could have been, I was immediately upset. My mind went straight to the bad.

I know I've talked about hope in posts in the past, but it's a big enough issue to be be brought up again. In all honesty, my "hope tank" has been in need of a fill up lately. And today's message at church was a good start. The speaker brought up a great point. In the English language hope translates to most people as a desire. In the bible however, the word hope can be replaced with the word expect. The sentence "I wish, or I desire that God would give us a baby" isn't nearly as powerful as "I trust and expect God to give us a baby." My lack of hope at times is directly related to a fear that God isn't a good God who wants to give us a child. My impatience says my timing is better than God's timing. My anger screams I don't think God knows what he's doing, my way is better. It's kind of scary to think of it that way, but it's true. Surely I don't really not trust God? I want to say that it's not that way, but it is. I have put my hope in man's knowledge but forgotten how the creator of that knowledge is exceedingly greater and doesn't need man's help to provide a miracle.

The below two verses really struck me today, and I'm going to do my best over the next few weeks to remember them. If you see me and I look as though I've forgotten, please remind me. :) I'll do my best to pray the same for you!

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. (Psalm 71:14 NIV)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13 NIV)

Hot Mess

Isn't it crazy how one week your faith can be through the roof, and the next you're wondering if you're prayers are even being heard at all? Thanks to the month to month (or week to week) roller coaster of infertility, that's how it's been for me these past few weeks. Hot mess doesn't even begin to cover it.

Last month we had a follicle. My blood work showed the highest levels we'd seen since 2011. We finally actually ovulated. We prayed, we believed...and then I started. The realization that we weren't pregnant hit me a day or two before I actually started. I was picking fights with Josh and then crying because we couldn't make a decision about what we were going to do that day (stupid, I know), and that's when it hit me. Emotional=PMS=starting soon=no baby again this month.

The new medication had done its job, but still no baby. In all honesty, I had a bad attitude most of last week about it. My prayer times in the morning mostly consisted of me trying to pray and hear His voice, but would quickly turn into me yelling at God for forgetting me once again.

Being raised the way I was, I know all the right answers to those emotions. God is in control, His timing is perfect, He loves me and wants to do what's best for me, etc. But in the midst of it all, that's just not the way it feels. This sounds terrible, but I completely understand Sarah laughing to herself when she heard of God's promise to give she and Abraham a son within the year. I've definitely been to that point. Thankfully I'm not ninety like she was, but the attitude is the same. I don't want to remain in that attitude. I want to keep believing and expecting God to keep His promises to Josh and I. I know He will. I may not be completely convinced of it today, but I'm trying to get there again.

We are doing things a bit differently this month as far as meds and appointments go. I know many of you already are, but please keep Josh and I in your prayers as we try to be obedient to what we feel God has asked us to do. And whether we get pregnant this way or it's just a sign of obedience, please pray that our/my attitude will be right. Thank you for your prayers!

Happy Easter!

I hope you all are having a wonderful Easter holiday. It's been so beautiful today, I thought I'd write outside. I've been going back and forth this week as to whether I wanted talk about the happenings of the last week and a half or not for fear that talking about it might somehow make it not happen. But thanks to the encouragement of a sweet friend and childhood pen pal I ran into at church while trying to get away from the anxiety of another baby dedication, I've decided to go ahead and post about it.

"They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord." (Psalm 112:7 NIV)

As I've already posted about in the last few weeks, we started new medication this month. I had my first ultrasound on day 12 of my cycle, and praise the Lord, we actually had a follicle! My doctor said it was perfect, just perfect! Until this season in our lives I never knew a person could love a follicle, but it is very possible. This is definitely an answer to prayer. I went back this past Friday to check my progesterone levels. I do not know the results yet, but we are continuing to pray with expectancy for that as well.

Something that doesn't get as much attention drawn to it in the midst of a couple's baby journey, and something we've been dealing with this week, is the extra stress that it puts on the husband and wife relationship. This time should be one of drawing closer to one another and enjoying each other as you try for a baby, but all too often it's not. This last week has been the "not" side of that for Josh and I. If we aren't careful as women, we or I, can focus too much on getting a baby and forget how that could make my husband feel. He doesn't want to feel like a means to an end any more than I do. The schedules and counting can get to a guy, or at least it gets to Josh anyway. I take for granted that he knows I love him and want to be with him whether we get pregnant or not. I have to remember to show him.

Josh is much better at the waiting than I am. He will be happy if God gives us a baby today or 10 years from now. He knows God is in control. That, however, is the bit of wisdom I tend to forget. We must remind each other also that men and women see this subject COMPLETELY differently. When Josh reminds me that it's God's plan not mine, I have to take that to heart and not get angry with him. And when I cry and ask God why, Josh has to remember the Lord has given me this desire for a child. It's a blessing, not a curse. Although in all honesty, I've wondered at times.

I want to share the lyrics to a song that we've sang at church the last few weeks. I would definitely encourage you to buy the album or at least look it up online. It's a song called "Oceans" by Hillsong United on their Zion album. I keep repeating these words over and over. Hopefully they minister to you as much as they did me.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery
In oceans deep my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and won't start now

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust
Is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my
Feet would ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine


Amen!

Shooting Myself in the Foot

I guess since its closer to Sunday I can say I'm a day early with this week's post, rather than almost a week late for the last one. I just couldn't settle on what to write about. Nothing was coming to me, so I just didn't do it. But after my week and then life group this last Thursday, I had to. I know I've told y'all before about how important it is to get with a group of people that can encourage you, but I'm going to do it again! Do it!! Sorry, rabbit trail.

I should probably start with what happened last week. A week ago Friday, I woke up to that old familiar sting in my side. Shingles. Oh how I hate shingles! Immediately I was livid. I thought I'd been doing so well with handling the stress and anxiety. God, this time it wasn't my fault! I didn't deserve it this time. "We're just gonna believe you're gonna be healed", Josh said. Yet again, my sweet Joshua was there to have faith when I didn't.

That next night we were supposed to go to a barn meeting to hear a group of men from our church speak. All day my side screamed at me. I was so worn down by that afternoon, I was ready to tell Josh that I was just going to stay home and sleep. But I knew in my spirit I couldn't miss this one. So I drug my bad attitude with us to my parent's house, and then we all rode together to the barn meeting. As soon as we got there Josh went straight to my former youth pastor (He and his wife also did our premarital counseling.), who was also going to be speaking that night, and told him I needed to be prayed for to have my shingles healed. I knew praying for it to be healed was the right thing to do, but I was just going to quietly do it myself - not bring it out in front everyone. Thankfully, God and Josh had other plans. Towards the end of the service, they asked if anyone wanted to be prayed for. Josh instantly stood up and waited for me to stand up too. They prayed for me, and then a few others as well. My arm and side didn't immediately stop itching or hurting, so I just prayed to myself "Lord if you won't do it to increase my faith, at least do it to increase theirs." The next morning I woke up hoping it would be gone, but I looked down at my arm and it was still there. I didn't know it yet, but Josh had woke up to see if it was gone too. He told me later that he just prayed again for it to be healed, and then we went on and got ready for church.

Our week started as usual. No big deal. I had noticed that my shingles wasn't spreading like it normally did, but didn't think much of it. After that Monday though, my side didn't hurt any more. By Thursday, the spots on my side were gone and the one on my arm was on its way out. I hadn't noticed, but the Lord was healing the shingles! Praise the Lord! It may have not been instantly, but a few days is a whole lot better than a few weeks like it had been in the past.

Thursday meant life group night. The couple who leads our life group were both going to speak. He started us in Matthew 7. The part that jumped out to me was this:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11 NIV)

I had heard these verses a thousand times before, but they've had knew meaning since our struggle with infertility began. The leader's wife then started talking about what she had read that day about expectancy and the power of our words. "How many times have you asked God for something, and then ten minutes later said something that contradicted your prayers?", she asked. She used the example of asking God for His blessings and abundance, and then in the next breath saying you can't afford something. (*that does not mean do something stupid.) It's exactly like shooting yourself in the foot! I have been praying and asking God for a baby for almost three years. Have I been contradicting my prayers this whole time?

We started back on the medications this week. It's our first time to try Femara. That means next week we have our first of probably several ultrasounds and blood work and such. That Thursday night I realized something. As I had been preparing myself for the ultrasounds and doctor visits, I had been telling my heart not to expect anything! I was so afraid of getting my heart broken and getting shingles all over again that I was already disbelieving that God could do a miracle. Lord, forgive me. Josh and I have been really trying over the last few days to speak and expect God to move on our behalf.

So with a new hope, Josh and I are truly and wholeheartedly believing that God will give us a baby. I want to challenge you to do the same in whatever area you are praying for. Hold on to His promises. Speak life into your situation!!

Momma said.

This last week has been pretty good for Josh and I. No major meltdowns! Woohoo!! And as much as I don't want to admit that my mom and dad were right all those years, I have to own up to the reasons I feel that I've been more encouraged and on the happier end of the spectrum this week.

I grew up in a pretty strict Christian household. I am extremely thankful for this upbringing now, but not so much as a teenager. One of the house rules was that I was not allowed to listen to secular/non-Christian music. Ever since then I have been trying to justify to myself that it does not matter what you listen to on a regular basis. That is, until recently. And at the risk of sounding like my mother, it does make a difference in the way I feel and think when I have non-encouraging music going through my brain all day. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy those other genres anymore, but I've found that my mood and attitude are better when those other types are not the majority.

Another thing that keeps me upbeat is being in our life group. Infertility has a nasty little habit of making its prisoners feel like they are totally and completely alone. Being plugged in to a church and a small group has had such a profound effect on Josh and I. We get at least two chances a week to be lifted up and reminded that we aren't alone. Others are struggling too! It may not be with the same things, but having that extended church family offers the opportunity to be lifted up by others. And then getting to do the same for them in return!

In closing, here's a verse that spoke to me this week:

"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18

That's a promise! Those who wait for Him will be blessed!!

Just can't get away from it...

"Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb. Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous"(Romans 4:18-22 NLT)

A former employer of mine spoke at church today, and this was one of the verses he started with. Working at his print shop was probably the best job I have ever had. It was definitely a blessing. What I can't seem to get away from this week though, is the power of faith, enduring hope, and holding on to God's promises. Every where I turn, those principles seem to keep coming up. With this post, I thought I might suggest some books that have helped remind me of those things over and over again.

The book I'm currently reading is called "Unrelenting Prayer" by Bob Sorge. It is based on the parable of the persistent widow and the unjust judge in Luke 18. This parable was already near and dear to my heart even before reading this book, because these were the verses I believe God gave me for Josh and I when we were going through our issues. The way this book breaks the parable down is so encouraging, but also covers all the why questions that I struggle with. When I get worn out with pleading and praying for a baby, thinking I'm never going to get an answer, this book encourages me again.

The book "Supernatural Childbirth" by Jackie Mize is a book a friend suggested I read over a year ago, and I forgot about, until another friend gave it to me to read at our life group just a few weeks ago. The author and her husband wrote this book back in the 1960's or 1970's, I believe, but it is still so incredibly relevant. She teaches you how to pray the scriptures over your body and have the faith to believe what you're praying will actually happen.

Another book that has helped me over the last few years is called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. This book isn't necessarily about infertility, but it did help me deal with a lot of infertility's nasty by-products like worry, fear, not being content, and anxiety. One of the most powerful statements to me was at the very beginning of the book - "Contentment is a state of the heart, not a state of affairs." Geez, how many times have I had to repeat that to myself? Over and over and over again.

The book that started it all though, is a book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. This, of course, follows the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. Not only does this book speak to those who are dealing with infertility, but at the end of each chapter it also has a section for those friends and or family of the couple trying to conceive. I know it can be hard for those friends and family sometimes too just knowing what or what not to say. Don't be discouraged! We know you want the best for us.

I may not be there yet, but I'm striving to be like Abraham in the verses at the beginning of this post. He never wavered in his belief that God would fulfill His promises, and the Lord came through. Even when my faith struggles, He still wants to keep His promises.

Hissy Fits and Salsa

First of all, I want to thank everyone that has emailed, called, texted, or spoke to me in person about this blog. As much as it has encouraged you, you have encouraged me. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. Thank you.

And as much as I wanted to follow the above paragraph with an awesome spiritual and upbeat post, I can't. I need to be honest with you all about the hissy fit I threw today. This morning was like most Sunday mornings. Josh and I snuggled with our fur baby (Some people would call her a dog, but we don't.) before getting out of bed and getting ready for church. I had been looking forward to church all week. All the feedback I got from you guys had kept me feeling encouraged and expecting the best. Praise and worship was great as usual. I don't mean to brag, but that's pretty much the norm at our little church. Every thing was smooth sailing...that is until my sweet pastor began to speak. His message was to be on the power of prayer. I cringed when I saw the first power point. Not because of anything he was saying was wrong, but because I could feel that knot in my throat as the rage began burning inside me again. That old familiar anger at God.

Many of you that know Josh and I, know that we have been through a lot in our marriage. During the early years, I dealt with being mad at God for allowing our struggles. Inside I knew it was Josh's choices that had brought those things on, but I would still rant and rave at God because I knew He was big enough to put an end to it. But He didn't. This whole infertility thing has made my anger at God raise its ugly head once again. Like any other fit throwing child, my question to God is "Why?!". "Why do I have to fight and scratch and claw and beg You for everything that's important to me?! Haven't I done that enough for my marriage?!? Now a baby too??!" And as bad as this sounds, as the people in church were sharing their testimonies of God's faithfulness in their prayers, I felt like calling BS like in that card game I've seen people play. Not for them, but for me.

The service ended with an opportunity for prayer if you wanted it, but I didn't. I was too mad, and I wanted to stay that way. We left church for our traditional after service lunch at my mom's favorite place, Chili's. Lunch went fine, until my precious God-loving mother asked the question -"What'd you think of those testimonies? That was pretty great, huh?" To which I replied "BS. I feel like calling BS. All that may be fine for some people, but it obviously doesn't work for me." Thank you Lord for my amazing husband, because the next words out of his mouth were those of encouragement. He calls it "going on one". He began to remind me that if it weren't for the Lord's faithfulness in mine and our families prayers, he wouldn't be here today. "How could you hope so long for me, and not be able to do the same in this situation?" I hate it when he makes sense sometimes. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he is right. God answered my prayers and pleadings to bring us through our issues. He has made our marriage better than it has ever been because of everything we've been through. "He who started the work will be faithful to complete it in you." I can't remember where that verse is in the Bible off the top of my head, but it's true. When I'm mad at Him, He is faithful. When I don't understand, He is faithful. When I don't get my way, He is faithful. Thank you Lord for not being a roller coaster of emotions like I am.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Medically Speaking

This time I thought I'd give you all the back story of what all Josh and I have done medically on our journey for a baby.

First of all, my cycles have never been regular. Which as a young girl, didn't matter to me much. But ever since I started going to my doctor, he and I both knew that it might be a process when Josh and I decided to have children. We of course started the old fashioned way. I got off the pill in June and 4 weeks later I was having to call my doctor to talk about getting some medicine to help me start my period. This was the ugly beginning of a tortuous month to month waiting game of "am I pregnant or am I just not starting again?". By mid October of that same year with nothing happening, my doctor decided to start me on clomid. For those of you that might not know what clomid is, it's a drug used as an ovulation inducer. Or for me - a tiny little pill that did absolutely nothing but make me a horrible green eyed monster. Bless my poor husband's heart. We did the monthly blood tests from October to December. In December though, I somehow got it into my head that I was absolutely pregnant this time. And when I started that month, I was devastated. I stayed in bed that whole Sunday, and when I woke up that Monday morning shingles had reared its ugly head once again. I had had shingles before, but this time was by far the worst. It took some IV antibiotics and several weeks off work to get rid of it. After the shingles cleared at the first of January, we did another round of clomid. This time I started my period about 2 weeks earlier than I should have. When I called my doctor, I could tell he and his nurse were concerned I had had a miscarriage. Thankfully, I had not. But this emotional upset was the last straw for Josh. After that visit we decided to take some time off the baby making roller coaster.

From February to October we didn't do any medications. I'd like to say it was such a stress relief to not worry about the month to month, but I still worried. I did read an excellent book that helped me a lot, along with another just recently, but that's for another post. When October rolled around, it was time for my yearly check up anyway so I made an appointment. Josh and I discussed starting again and decided if I could try to keep my stress level to a minimum, we could do this whole thing again.

From October to December, I ovulated 1 time. My doctor suggested we try an inter uterine insemination. Being the redneck my husband is, when I told him what the doctor suggested he replied "like they do with cows?". Thanks, honey. :) Any way, it just so happened that by the time we were ready to do the IUI, the lab that my OBGYN's office used had decided to no longer offer that service. I can only assume that that was The Lord closing a door. I have long struggled with laying out a plan in my head and then telling God here you go. Make it happen. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why it's taken so long for us to get pregnant. I still have some things to learn.

Back to the story. We've made it to this past January. We had been doing ultrasounds to see if I had follicles forming to do the IUI with. This one was different though. The ultrasound tech found a cyst on my right ovary. Only about 4cm in size, but my doctor didn't want me to do any more of the clomid for fear that it might enlarge the cyst. I went back a month later for another US to see if the cyst was still there. Good news- the cyst on the right side was gone. Bad news- there was an even larger (6cm) cyst on the left side. Oh joy. My doctor's first words when he came into the exam room were "Well, that's not what I expected." Great. He then proceeded to tell me he thought that my ovaries were hyper stimulated. He recommended going back on birth control for 2 months to calm my hormones down. I lost it. I'm usually pretty good, sometimes too good, at hiding my emotions. I couldn't hold it in this time though. Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor who sat with me for the next 45 minutes, hugged me, and told me everything was going to be alright.

So that's where we are now. I'm still not sure how I feel about taking the birth control. Josh and the doctor want me to, but I can't tell if I just don't like the thought of preventing something that might happen or if it's God quietly urging me not to take it. This has definitely been a faith testing experience. Hopefully though, it will turn into a faith building one soon.

Getting to know you...

Hi! I thought if you were going to read this blog, you might want to know a little about me.  My name is Megan.  My husband, Josh, and I both grew up in little Arkansas towns just a few miles from one another.  We met at the local gas station I worked at when I had just turned 17, and he was 18.  I like to say we were babies.  And being the babies we were, we thought we were ready to get married a year and eight months later.  It's only by the grace of God that we have made it this far.  So here we are 10+ years later, a little older and hopefully a little wiser.  

I wanted to start a blog to talk about our journey through infertility.  We have been praying for a baby for almost three years now.  I know that may not seem like long to some, but to me it feels like an eternity.  I hope this helps other couples, but being a little selfish here, I thought it might be cathartic for me too.  I am the type of person who holds it all in.  I don't talk much.  (My husband makes up for that.)  My body usually ends up taking the brunt of my stress - i.e. shingles, teeth gritting, muscle clinching, etc.  Hopefully this will help ease that.  

I came up with the name of this blog kind of as a proclamation of what I want to be.  I want my heart to be content in whatever God has for us.  Whether that means finding out I'm pregnant next week, next year, or never.  I want to be ok with God's plan for us.  Last night, a friend at our life group brought to my attention a verse in Phillipians that I had heard a million times growing up in a wonderful Christian home.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Phillipians 4:13.  What I hadn't read, or paid attention to in the past, were the two verses before that.  "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  (Phil 4:11-12).   And then after that comes, "I can do this through Him who gives me strength."  I had never read it in the context in which it was intended.  How amazing would it be to say those words, and actually feel them as well?  I, obviously, am not there yet...but I want to be.  That's the most I can say about it at this point.  I simply hope to be to that place in the semi-near future.  

I will be filling you all in on what we have actually gone through on this journey in posts to come.  I do hope that someone out there in Blog Land will be encouraged reading this.  The best part is knowing you're not alone.