Reality Check

This weekend at church I was ever so softly reminded that everything is not just about me and my struggles. A young woman from our church lost her battle with cancer this past week. She left her husband, parents, and young daughter behind as she went to meet our Lord. We don't sing many hymns during our worship services, but as we all sang "It is well with my soul" my heart just broke. Here I have been kicking and screaming at God for not giving me what I want when I want it, and a section over stands a woman holding her tiny granddaughter that will never get to grow up with her mother. I just wept, begging God's forgiveness for my being so selfish. 

That song has been in my head all day. This afternoon I googled it. Have you ever read about the man who wrote the song? His name is Horatio G. Spafford. Amazing. Look it up. After reading his story, I was again convicted for my own selfishness and anger. He lost everything. Not just once, but over and over again. And yet, he was never bitter. Can I truthfully say "whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul"? 

The message yesterday was about patience. I know you are probably getting that same knot in your stomach like I did when I realized what the message was on. I couldn't stand to hear another person tell me "Just be patient. It's the Lord's timing, not yours." or "As soon as you stop thinking about it, it'll happen.". As I struggled to listen with unbiased ears, this verse made it through to me:

But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. (2 Peter 3:8, 9 NLT)

Why does He feel the need to be patient for my sake? Could it possibly be that I tend to shut Him out when I let my anger and bitterness take over? Josh and I are have been reading the book "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. This is the second time for me, but the first for Josh. I'm finding so much that I forgot. In last nights chapter, she discussed bitterness. (Is anyone else sensing the theme of my Sunday? Is someone trying to tell me something?) She reminded me that God is a gentleman. He's not going to push through the walls of bitterness I've built to keep Him at a distance. That's how He has patience for my sake. 

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for being selfish and angry. Help me to weed out the roots of bitterness I've let take such deep hold in my soul. Thank you that you are a loving, just, faithful, and yes, even patient God.  Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I think it's time to give up on you. I love you, Lord. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

"Count your blessings instead of sheep."

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you that I've talked to or received emails from this week. Hearing that this blog helps to encourage you really encourages me!

I really wish I could start off by telling you all how this week has been so much better than last week, however that's just not the case. It seemed like every time I would start to feel like I was getting my head above the fog, Satan would come in and just push me right back down in it. 

This morning during worship we were singing about how much the Lord loves us, and I honestly couldn't even make myself say the words of the song. I know in my head that God loves me, but my heart just hasn't felt it lately. No sooner had I started telling God that I just didn't believe it today, a sweet friend on the worship team started praying over the microphone for "someone here" who just didn't feel that God loved them. Thank you Lord that you hear the prayers of your people! He loves us enough to make that happen.

The student's pastor continued the series on the fruits of the spirit this week with a message on joy. It's hard to remember this at times, but I have to choose joy. When I wake up in the morning, when it seems like everyone I see is pregnant, when I see another unwed teenager pushing her four small children around in her cart at Walmart, when I hear of another drug addict choosing her poison over caring for her infant - I have to choose joy. I cannot let anger and jealousy rule my heart. I may not understand His plan, but it's just that - His plan, not mine.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NLT)

God didn't accidentally give those girls I feel don't know what kind of gift they've been given a baby and not me. He has a perfect plan for me and the baby I long for as well as those women. In the meantime I will strive to be grateful for what I have been given. A loving husband, an amazing family, a church I love, and such awesome people standing in this time with me and continuing to pray for our coming miracle. 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NLT)

Amen.

Bad Mood Blues

Confession: I woke up this morning in quite the terrible mood and didn't even feel the want to change it for most of the day. And if we're being completely truthful, even after a much needed afternoon nap I'm not entirely sure that it's gone yet.  There, I said it. How's that for Sunday honesty?

Today I'm on day 26 in my cycle. My cycles are a little longer than most women stretching out to around 35 days. It's usually about this time though that I hit that wall of hopelessness as I stare down the barrel of another childless month. It seemed like this whole week every tiny thing pushed me closer to the edge. Even something as silly as getting a post card reminder that it was time to schedule my yearly exam at the OBGYN. That means I'm going to have to face my doctor and make a decision as to where we go from here. I wouldn't say that I've "enjoyed" our time off of trying with meds and ultrasound visits, but the lack of stress between Josh and I has been nice. 

The message at church today was a beginning to a series on the fruits of the spirit. As our pastor read in Galations 5, I was reminded of how many of these attributes barrenness has robbed from me.

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! (Galatians 5:22, 23 NLT)

I heard something on the radio this week that summed up this time in my life well. The short program was during the Life Change Moment that runs on KLOVE. The woman speaking was describing her battle through infertility and the loss of a child almost at full term. She used the phrase "holy ache" to perfectly describe the pain a woman feels longing to hold a child of her own. Strangely, one of Josh's aunts had used the same word to characterize the situation a week before in speaking about the mother in law I never had the privilege to meet and myself. (Josh's mom passed away from breast cancer when he was 13.) She too thought she wasn't able to get pregnant and longed to have a child. But thankfully after many years, her prayers were answered with the birth of the child I now have the honor to call my husband. 

The dictionary defines the word "ache" as a dull, persistant (usually moderately intense) pain, to feel physical pain, or to have a desire for something or someone who is not present. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to describe to Josh what this feels like. I know he wants a child too, but he will never be able to understand the longing a woman feels in this situation. I have to remind myself of that often. God put this desire in me as well as countless other women as well.

I also looked up the word "ache" in the bible. These are a few verses I found:

You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book. (Psalm 56:8 MSG)

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:26-28 MSG)

All of this hit me this morning in the form of this question. How does one continue to display these fruits of the spirit while simultaneously feeling this unsatisfiable ache in their soul? You think I have the answer? I wish. All I know is, there is a reason Josh and I were given this road to take. God has a purpose for our lives and for the tiny life we ache to bring into this world. The Lord has not forgotten us, and will see us through to the end. Amen.

Did I ask for this?

We've had an amazing week soaking up the beautiful Carolina sunshine. And thanks to my poor sunscreen application skills, my poor Joshua's back looks like he has tiger stripes due to that same sunshine. Vacations are wonderful little escapes from reality. Monday morning's 6:30 alarm, I'm sure, will have no trouble bringing me back from fantasy land though.

We had planned on getting up at 4:00 this morning to start the long drive back home. I never sleep well the night before I know I have to get up extra early. So as I stared at the inside of my eyelids, my mind started to wander. My momma always said if you can't sleep you should pray, so that's what I decided to do. I thanked the Lord for our trip, prayed for a safe journey home, and all the normal things. And of course, my prayers always lead to asking for a baby. 

These last few weeks I've been asking God why He hasn't given us a baby. Not the usual angry yelling "why God?!", but a genuine wondering if there was a specific reason as to why we hadn't received our gift yet. Last night as I prayed, I think I got an answer - or at least part of one.

Growing up, my parents were great encouragers. They instilled in me a self worth and confidence that sadly a lot of people don't get. As a child I probably thought a little too highly of myself at times, but hey, I've never claimed humility to be my strong suit. My parents tried for a year to get pregnant with me. I remember my mom telling me on several occasions that I was special because she had prayed and asked the Lord for me. I was their pearl. 

I recall thinking that was so awesome. I was an answer to their prayers. And last night as I prayed, God reminded me of something else...I had asked Him for the same with my children. When I was a child, when I was a teenager, when Josh and I got married, over and over and over I had told God I wanted to pray for my babies too. I didn't want surprises. I wanted to be able to tell my children the same things I was told. 

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”  

(1 Samuel 1:27, 28 NIV)

Thank you Lord that you are answering my prayers. Three years into this journey they may not be the way I had planned, but they are answers none the same. I will continue to call things forth that are not as though they are. Amen.

" Abraham was first named "father" and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do. And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples." (Romans 4:17, 18 MSG)

Irony? Not a fan.

It seems to have been a while since I've posted. Sorry for that. No real reason I suppose, just enjoying my Sunday afternoons. I realized today how much I have missed doing it.

We're doing things differently this month. No meds. No ultrasounds. No appointments. And while I'm enjoying the lowered stress level not having these appointments brings, it still makes my heart a little anxious even writing those words - but I know it's where the Lord is leading us. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against medicine. I'm a registered nurse. I know it works...which makes not having it harder I think. Mine is an issue of faith. 

I'm sure the irony of today's church service was lost on most of the congregation, but a lengthy (to me) baby dedication followed by a message on not worrying was impossible to miss. I know I needed the reminder, but the surrounding situation was not fun. 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)

These verses were of course a big part of today's message. Reading over them at first makes me think whether we ever have a baby or not is a much bigger deal than what clothes I'm going to wear, but if I stopped there I'd be missing the point.    Aren't I more valuable to God than a bird or flowers? Yes, I am. He is aware and concerned with my wants and needs. Thanks to a dear friend's prayers today, I was reminded that Josh and I were given a promise. We will not give up on that promise. The friends that have joined with us in prayer will not give up. And for that we are truly grateful. 

Expectant Heart vs. Non-expectant Tummy

How does one keep an expectant heart when the rest of the body (Uterus, that means you.) refuses to come in line with that? If you think I'm about to give you the answer, you would be wrong. I was actually kind of hoping y'all might be able to answer it for me.

We got another maybe answer today. The blood work I had drawn on Friday came back just "ok". Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. -pounding head against wall- This really sucks!!!!! Sorry, but I needed to get that out. I am so thankful to have an amazing group of people that I know are praying for me during times like these.

I wish I had some sort of divine wisdom to share, but I'm honestly looking for some for myself this week. Lord, help me to continue to be obedient and trust You...especially when I'd rather just say screw it.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. (Isaiah 64:4 NIV)

Yes? No? Maybe.

I don't know about y'all, but I absolutely hate to hear the answer "maybe" when a question is asked. It could be the pessimist in me, but when I hear "maybe", my head translates that to "no".

We got a "maybe" answer this week at our day 12 follicle check ultrasound. The tech and the doctor couldn't tell if I had a cyst on my left ovary that had collapsed or if I had just ovulated. And as exciting as that should or could have been, I was immediately upset. My mind went straight to the bad.

I know I've talked about hope in posts in the past, but it's a big enough issue to be be brought up again. In all honesty, my "hope tank" has been in need of a fill up lately. And today's message at church was a good start. The speaker brought up a great point. In the English language hope translates to most people as a desire. In the bible however, the word hope can be replaced with the word expect. The sentence "I wish, or I desire that God would give us a baby" isn't nearly as powerful as "I trust and expect God to give us a baby." My lack of hope at times is directly related to a fear that God isn't a good God who wants to give us a child. My impatience says my timing is better than God's timing. My anger screams I don't think God knows what he's doing, my way is better. It's kind of scary to think of it that way, but it's true. Surely I don't really not trust God? I want to say that it's not that way, but it is. I have put my hope in man's knowledge but forgotten how the creator of that knowledge is exceedingly greater and doesn't need man's help to provide a miracle.

The below two verses really struck me today, and I'm going to do my best over the next few weeks to remember them. If you see me and I look as though I've forgotten, please remind me. :) I'll do my best to pray the same for you!

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. (Psalm 71:14 NIV)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13 NIV)