Just can't get away from it...

"Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb. Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous"(Romans 4:18-22 NLT)

A former employer of mine spoke at church today, and this was one of the verses he started with. Working at his print shop was probably the best job I have ever had. It was definitely a blessing. What I can't seem to get away from this week though, is the power of faith, enduring hope, and holding on to God's promises. Every where I turn, those principles seem to keep coming up. With this post, I thought I might suggest some books that have helped remind me of those things over and over again.

The book I'm currently reading is called "Unrelenting Prayer" by Bob Sorge. It is based on the parable of the persistent widow and the unjust judge in Luke 18. This parable was already near and dear to my heart even before reading this book, because these were the verses I believe God gave me for Josh and I when we were going through our issues. The way this book breaks the parable down is so encouraging, but also covers all the why questions that I struggle with. When I get worn out with pleading and praying for a baby, thinking I'm never going to get an answer, this book encourages me again.

The book "Supernatural Childbirth" by Jackie Mize is a book a friend suggested I read over a year ago, and I forgot about, until another friend gave it to me to read at our life group just a few weeks ago. The author and her husband wrote this book back in the 1960's or 1970's, I believe, but it is still so incredibly relevant. She teaches you how to pray the scriptures over your body and have the faith to believe what you're praying will actually happen.

Another book that has helped me over the last few years is called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. This book isn't necessarily about infertility, but it did help me deal with a lot of infertility's nasty by-products like worry, fear, not being content, and anxiety. One of the most powerful statements to me was at the very beginning of the book - "Contentment is a state of the heart, not a state of affairs." Geez, how many times have I had to repeat that to myself? Over and over and over again.

The book that started it all though, is a book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. This, of course, follows the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. Not only does this book speak to those who are dealing with infertility, but at the end of each chapter it also has a section for those friends and or family of the couple trying to conceive. I know it can be hard for those friends and family sometimes too just knowing what or what not to say. Don't be discouraged! We know you want the best for us.

I may not be there yet, but I'm striving to be like Abraham in the verses at the beginning of this post. He never wavered in his belief that God would fulfill His promises, and the Lord came through. Even when my faith struggles, He still wants to keep His promises.

Hissy Fits and Salsa

First of all, I want to thank everyone that has emailed, called, texted, or spoke to me in person about this blog. As much as it has encouraged you, you have encouraged me. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. Thank you.

And as much as I wanted to follow the above paragraph with an awesome spiritual and upbeat post, I can't. I need to be honest with you all about the hissy fit I threw today. This morning was like most Sunday mornings. Josh and I snuggled with our fur baby (Some people would call her a dog, but we don't.) before getting out of bed and getting ready for church. I had been looking forward to church all week. All the feedback I got from you guys had kept me feeling encouraged and expecting the best. Praise and worship was great as usual. I don't mean to brag, but that's pretty much the norm at our little church. Every thing was smooth sailing...that is until my sweet pastor began to speak. His message was to be on the power of prayer. I cringed when I saw the first power point. Not because of anything he was saying was wrong, but because I could feel that knot in my throat as the rage began burning inside me again. That old familiar anger at God.

Many of you that know Josh and I, know that we have been through a lot in our marriage. During the early years, I dealt with being mad at God for allowing our struggles. Inside I knew it was Josh's choices that had brought those things on, but I would still rant and rave at God because I knew He was big enough to put an end to it. But He didn't. This whole infertility thing has made my anger at God raise its ugly head once again. Like any other fit throwing child, my question to God is "Why?!". "Why do I have to fight and scratch and claw and beg You for everything that's important to me?! Haven't I done that enough for my marriage?!? Now a baby too??!" And as bad as this sounds, as the people in church were sharing their testimonies of God's faithfulness in their prayers, I felt like calling BS like in that card game I've seen people play. Not for them, but for me.

The service ended with an opportunity for prayer if you wanted it, but I didn't. I was too mad, and I wanted to stay that way. We left church for our traditional after service lunch at my mom's favorite place, Chili's. Lunch went fine, until my precious God-loving mother asked the question -"What'd you think of those testimonies? That was pretty great, huh?" To which I replied "BS. I feel like calling BS. All that may be fine for some people, but it obviously doesn't work for me." Thank you Lord for my amazing husband, because the next words out of his mouth were those of encouragement. He calls it "going on one". He began to remind me that if it weren't for the Lord's faithfulness in mine and our families prayers, he wouldn't be here today. "How could you hope so long for me, and not be able to do the same in this situation?" I hate it when he makes sense sometimes. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he is right. God answered my prayers and pleadings to bring us through our issues. He has made our marriage better than it has ever been because of everything we've been through. "He who started the work will be faithful to complete it in you." I can't remember where that verse is in the Bible off the top of my head, but it's true. When I'm mad at Him, He is faithful. When I don't understand, He is faithful. When I don't get my way, He is faithful. Thank you Lord for not being a roller coaster of emotions like I am.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Medically Speaking

This time I thought I'd give you all the back story of what all Josh and I have done medically on our journey for a baby.

First of all, my cycles have never been regular. Which as a young girl, didn't matter to me much. But ever since I started going to my doctor, he and I both knew that it might be a process when Josh and I decided to have children. We of course started the old fashioned way. I got off the pill in June and 4 weeks later I was having to call my doctor to talk about getting some medicine to help me start my period. This was the ugly beginning of a tortuous month to month waiting game of "am I pregnant or am I just not starting again?". By mid October of that same year with nothing happening, my doctor decided to start me on clomid. For those of you that might not know what clomid is, it's a drug used as an ovulation inducer. Or for me - a tiny little pill that did absolutely nothing but make me a horrible green eyed monster. Bless my poor husband's heart. We did the monthly blood tests from October to December. In December though, I somehow got it into my head that I was absolutely pregnant this time. And when I started that month, I was devastated. I stayed in bed that whole Sunday, and when I woke up that Monday morning shingles had reared its ugly head once again. I had had shingles before, but this time was by far the worst. It took some IV antibiotics and several weeks off work to get rid of it. After the shingles cleared at the first of January, we did another round of clomid. This time I started my period about 2 weeks earlier than I should have. When I called my doctor, I could tell he and his nurse were concerned I had had a miscarriage. Thankfully, I had not. But this emotional upset was the last straw for Josh. After that visit we decided to take some time off the baby making roller coaster.

From February to October we didn't do any medications. I'd like to say it was such a stress relief to not worry about the month to month, but I still worried. I did read an excellent book that helped me a lot, along with another just recently, but that's for another post. When October rolled around, it was time for my yearly check up anyway so I made an appointment. Josh and I discussed starting again and decided if I could try to keep my stress level to a minimum, we could do this whole thing again.

From October to December, I ovulated 1 time. My doctor suggested we try an inter uterine insemination. Being the redneck my husband is, when I told him what the doctor suggested he replied "like they do with cows?". Thanks, honey. :) Any way, it just so happened that by the time we were ready to do the IUI, the lab that my OBGYN's office used had decided to no longer offer that service. I can only assume that that was The Lord closing a door. I have long struggled with laying out a plan in my head and then telling God here you go. Make it happen. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why it's taken so long for us to get pregnant. I still have some things to learn.

Back to the story. We've made it to this past January. We had been doing ultrasounds to see if I had follicles forming to do the IUI with. This one was different though. The ultrasound tech found a cyst on my right ovary. Only about 4cm in size, but my doctor didn't want me to do any more of the clomid for fear that it might enlarge the cyst. I went back a month later for another US to see if the cyst was still there. Good news- the cyst on the right side was gone. Bad news- there was an even larger (6cm) cyst on the left side. Oh joy. My doctor's first words when he came into the exam room were "Well, that's not what I expected." Great. He then proceeded to tell me he thought that my ovaries were hyper stimulated. He recommended going back on birth control for 2 months to calm my hormones down. I lost it. I'm usually pretty good, sometimes too good, at hiding my emotions. I couldn't hold it in this time though. Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor who sat with me for the next 45 minutes, hugged me, and told me everything was going to be alright.

So that's where we are now. I'm still not sure how I feel about taking the birth control. Josh and the doctor want me to, but I can't tell if I just don't like the thought of preventing something that might happen or if it's God quietly urging me not to take it. This has definitely been a faith testing experience. Hopefully though, it will turn into a faith building one soon.

Getting to know you...

Hi! I thought if you were going to read this blog, you might want to know a little about me.  My name is Megan.  My husband, Josh, and I both grew up in little Arkansas towns just a few miles from one another.  We met at the local gas station I worked at when I had just turned 17, and he was 18.  I like to say we were babies.  And being the babies we were, we thought we were ready to get married a year and eight months later.  It's only by the grace of God that we have made it this far.  So here we are 10+ years later, a little older and hopefully a little wiser.  

I wanted to start a blog to talk about our journey through infertility.  We have been praying for a baby for almost three years now.  I know that may not seem like long to some, but to me it feels like an eternity.  I hope this helps other couples, but being a little selfish here, I thought it might be cathartic for me too.  I am the type of person who holds it all in.  I don't talk much.  (My husband makes up for that.)  My body usually ends up taking the brunt of my stress - i.e. shingles, teeth gritting, muscle clinching, etc.  Hopefully this will help ease that.  

I came up with the name of this blog kind of as a proclamation of what I want to be.  I want my heart to be content in whatever God has for us.  Whether that means finding out I'm pregnant next week, next year, or never.  I want to be ok with God's plan for us.  Last night, a friend at our life group brought to my attention a verse in Phillipians that I had heard a million times growing up in a wonderful Christian home.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Phillipians 4:13.  What I hadn't read, or paid attention to in the past, were the two verses before that.  "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  (Phil 4:11-12).   And then after that comes, "I can do this through Him who gives me strength."  I had never read it in the context in which it was intended.  How amazing would it be to say those words, and actually feel them as well?  I, obviously, am not there yet...but I want to be.  That's the most I can say about it at this point.  I simply hope to be to that place in the semi-near future.  

I will be filling you all in on what we have actually gone through on this journey in posts to come.  I do hope that someone out there in Blog Land will be encouraged reading this.  The best part is knowing you're not alone.