Reality Check

This weekend at church I was ever so softly reminded that everything is not just about me and my struggles. A young woman from our church lost her battle with cancer this past week. She left her husband, parents, and young daughter behind as she went to meet our Lord. We don't sing many hymns during our worship services, but as we all sang "It is well with my soul" my heart just broke. Here I have been kicking and screaming at God for not giving me what I want when I want it, and a section over stands a woman holding her tiny granddaughter that will never get to grow up with her mother. I just wept, begging God's forgiveness for my being so selfish. 

That song has been in my head all day. This afternoon I googled it. Have you ever read about the man who wrote the song? His name is Horatio G. Spafford. Amazing. Look it up. After reading his story, I was again convicted for my own selfishness and anger. He lost everything. Not just once, but over and over again. And yet, he was never bitter. Can I truthfully say "whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul"? 

The message yesterday was about patience. I know you are probably getting that same knot in your stomach like I did when I realized what the message was on. I couldn't stand to hear another person tell me "Just be patient. It's the Lord's timing, not yours." or "As soon as you stop thinking about it, it'll happen.". As I struggled to listen with unbiased ears, this verse made it through to me:

But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. (2 Peter 3:8, 9 NLT)

Why does He feel the need to be patient for my sake? Could it possibly be that I tend to shut Him out when I let my anger and bitterness take over? Josh and I are have been reading the book "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. This is the second time for me, but the first for Josh. I'm finding so much that I forgot. In last nights chapter, she discussed bitterness. (Is anyone else sensing the theme of my Sunday? Is someone trying to tell me something?) She reminded me that God is a gentleman. He's not going to push through the walls of bitterness I've built to keep Him at a distance. That's how He has patience for my sake. 

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for being selfish and angry. Help me to weed out the roots of bitterness I've let take such deep hold in my soul. Thank you that you are a loving, just, faithful, and yes, even patient God.  Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I think it's time to give up on you. I love you, Lord. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

"Count your blessings instead of sheep."

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you that I've talked to or received emails from this week. Hearing that this blog helps to encourage you really encourages me!

I really wish I could start off by telling you all how this week has been so much better than last week, however that's just not the case. It seemed like every time I would start to feel like I was getting my head above the fog, Satan would come in and just push me right back down in it. 

This morning during worship we were singing about how much the Lord loves us, and I honestly couldn't even make myself say the words of the song. I know in my head that God loves me, but my heart just hasn't felt it lately. No sooner had I started telling God that I just didn't believe it today, a sweet friend on the worship team started praying over the microphone for "someone here" who just didn't feel that God loved them. Thank you Lord that you hear the prayers of your people! He loves us enough to make that happen.

The student's pastor continued the series on the fruits of the spirit this week with a message on joy. It's hard to remember this at times, but I have to choose joy. When I wake up in the morning, when it seems like everyone I see is pregnant, when I see another unwed teenager pushing her four small children around in her cart at Walmart, when I hear of another drug addict choosing her poison over caring for her infant - I have to choose joy. I cannot let anger and jealousy rule my heart. I may not understand His plan, but it's just that - His plan, not mine.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NLT)

God didn't accidentally give those girls I feel don't know what kind of gift they've been given a baby and not me. He has a perfect plan for me and the baby I long for as well as those women. In the meantime I will strive to be grateful for what I have been given. A loving husband, an amazing family, a church I love, and such awesome people standing in this time with me and continuing to pray for our coming miracle. 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NLT)

Amen.