Expectant Heart vs. Non-expectant Tummy

How does one keep an expectant heart when the rest of the body (Uterus, that means you.) refuses to come in line with that? If you think I'm about to give you the answer, you would be wrong. I was actually kind of hoping y'all might be able to answer it for me.

We got another maybe answer today. The blood work I had drawn on Friday came back just "ok". Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. -pounding head against wall- This really sucks!!!!! Sorry, but I needed to get that out. I am so thankful to have an amazing group of people that I know are praying for me during times like these.

I wish I had some sort of divine wisdom to share, but I'm honestly looking for some for myself this week. Lord, help me to continue to be obedient and trust You...especially when I'd rather just say screw it.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. (Isaiah 64:4 NIV)

Yes? No? Maybe.

I don't know about y'all, but I absolutely hate to hear the answer "maybe" when a question is asked. It could be the pessimist in me, but when I hear "maybe", my head translates that to "no".

We got a "maybe" answer this week at our day 12 follicle check ultrasound. The tech and the doctor couldn't tell if I had a cyst on my left ovary that had collapsed or if I had just ovulated. And as exciting as that should or could have been, I was immediately upset. My mind went straight to the bad.

I know I've talked about hope in posts in the past, but it's a big enough issue to be be brought up again. In all honesty, my "hope tank" has been in need of a fill up lately. And today's message at church was a good start. The speaker brought up a great point. In the English language hope translates to most people as a desire. In the bible however, the word hope can be replaced with the word expect. The sentence "I wish, or I desire that God would give us a baby" isn't nearly as powerful as "I trust and expect God to give us a baby." My lack of hope at times is directly related to a fear that God isn't a good God who wants to give us a child. My impatience says my timing is better than God's timing. My anger screams I don't think God knows what he's doing, my way is better. It's kind of scary to think of it that way, but it's true. Surely I don't really not trust God? I want to say that it's not that way, but it is. I have put my hope in man's knowledge but forgotten how the creator of that knowledge is exceedingly greater and doesn't need man's help to provide a miracle.

The below two verses really struck me today, and I'm going to do my best over the next few weeks to remember them. If you see me and I look as though I've forgotten, please remind me. :) I'll do my best to pray the same for you!

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. (Psalm 71:14 NIV)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13 NIV)

Hot Mess

Isn't it crazy how one week your faith can be through the roof, and the next you're wondering if you're prayers are even being heard at all? Thanks to the month to month (or week to week) roller coaster of infertility, that's how it's been for me these past few weeks. Hot mess doesn't even begin to cover it.

Last month we had a follicle. My blood work showed the highest levels we'd seen since 2011. We finally actually ovulated. We prayed, we believed...and then I started. The realization that we weren't pregnant hit me a day or two before I actually started. I was picking fights with Josh and then crying because we couldn't make a decision about what we were going to do that day (stupid, I know), and that's when it hit me. Emotional=PMS=starting soon=no baby again this month.

The new medication had done its job, but still no baby. In all honesty, I had a bad attitude most of last week about it. My prayer times in the morning mostly consisted of me trying to pray and hear His voice, but would quickly turn into me yelling at God for forgetting me once again.

Being raised the way I was, I know all the right answers to those emotions. God is in control, His timing is perfect, He loves me and wants to do what's best for me, etc. But in the midst of it all, that's just not the way it feels. This sounds terrible, but I completely understand Sarah laughing to herself when she heard of God's promise to give she and Abraham a son within the year. I've definitely been to that point. Thankfully I'm not ninety like she was, but the attitude is the same. I don't want to remain in that attitude. I want to keep believing and expecting God to keep His promises to Josh and I. I know He will. I may not be completely convinced of it today, but I'm trying to get there again.

We are doing things a bit differently this month as far as meds and appointments go. I know many of you already are, but please keep Josh and I in your prayers as we try to be obedient to what we feel God has asked us to do. And whether we get pregnant this way or it's just a sign of obedience, please pray that our/my attitude will be right. Thank you for your prayers!