Shooting Myself in the Foot

I guess since its closer to Sunday I can say I'm a day early with this week's post, rather than almost a week late for the last one. I just couldn't settle on what to write about. Nothing was coming to me, so I just didn't do it. But after my week and then life group this last Thursday, I had to. I know I've told y'all before about how important it is to get with a group of people that can encourage you, but I'm going to do it again! Do it!! Sorry, rabbit trail.

I should probably start with what happened last week. A week ago Friday, I woke up to that old familiar sting in my side. Shingles. Oh how I hate shingles! Immediately I was livid. I thought I'd been doing so well with handling the stress and anxiety. God, this time it wasn't my fault! I didn't deserve it this time. "We're just gonna believe you're gonna be healed", Josh said. Yet again, my sweet Joshua was there to have faith when I didn't.

That next night we were supposed to go to a barn meeting to hear a group of men from our church speak. All day my side screamed at me. I was so worn down by that afternoon, I was ready to tell Josh that I was just going to stay home and sleep. But I knew in my spirit I couldn't miss this one. So I drug my bad attitude with us to my parent's house, and then we all rode together to the barn meeting. As soon as we got there Josh went straight to my former youth pastor (He and his wife also did our premarital counseling.), who was also going to be speaking that night, and told him I needed to be prayed for to have my shingles healed. I knew praying for it to be healed was the right thing to do, but I was just going to quietly do it myself - not bring it out in front everyone. Thankfully, God and Josh had other plans. Towards the end of the service, they asked if anyone wanted to be prayed for. Josh instantly stood up and waited for me to stand up too. They prayed for me, and then a few others as well. My arm and side didn't immediately stop itching or hurting, so I just prayed to myself "Lord if you won't do it to increase my faith, at least do it to increase theirs." The next morning I woke up hoping it would be gone, but I looked down at my arm and it was still there. I didn't know it yet, but Josh had woke up to see if it was gone too. He told me later that he just prayed again for it to be healed, and then we went on and got ready for church.

Our week started as usual. No big deal. I had noticed that my shingles wasn't spreading like it normally did, but didn't think much of it. After that Monday though, my side didn't hurt any more. By Thursday, the spots on my side were gone and the one on my arm was on its way out. I hadn't noticed, but the Lord was healing the shingles! Praise the Lord! It may have not been instantly, but a few days is a whole lot better than a few weeks like it had been in the past.

Thursday meant life group night. The couple who leads our life group were both going to speak. He started us in Matthew 7. The part that jumped out to me was this:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11 NIV)

I had heard these verses a thousand times before, but they've had knew meaning since our struggle with infertility began. The leader's wife then started talking about what she had read that day about expectancy and the power of our words. "How many times have you asked God for something, and then ten minutes later said something that contradicted your prayers?", she asked. She used the example of asking God for His blessings and abundance, and then in the next breath saying you can't afford something. (*that does not mean do something stupid.) It's exactly like shooting yourself in the foot! I have been praying and asking God for a baby for almost three years. Have I been contradicting my prayers this whole time?

We started back on the medications this week. It's our first time to try Femara. That means next week we have our first of probably several ultrasounds and blood work and such. That Thursday night I realized something. As I had been preparing myself for the ultrasounds and doctor visits, I had been telling my heart not to expect anything! I was so afraid of getting my heart broken and getting shingles all over again that I was already disbelieving that God could do a miracle. Lord, forgive me. Josh and I have been really trying over the last few days to speak and expect God to move on our behalf.

So with a new hope, Josh and I are truly and wholeheartedly believing that God will give us a baby. I want to challenge you to do the same in whatever area you are praying for. Hold on to His promises. Speak life into your situation!!