First of all, I want to thank everyone that has emailed, called, texted, or spoke to me in person about this blog. As much as it has encouraged you, you have encouraged me. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. Thank you.
And as much as I wanted to follow the above paragraph with an awesome spiritual and upbeat post, I can't. I need to be honest with you all about the hissy fit I threw today. This morning was like most Sunday mornings. Josh and I snuggled with our fur baby (Some people would call her a dog, but we don't.) before getting out of bed and getting ready for church. I had been looking forward to church all week. All the feedback I got from you guys had kept me feeling encouraged and expecting the best. Praise and worship was great as usual. I don't mean to brag, but that's pretty much the norm at our little church. Every thing was smooth sailing...that is until my sweet pastor began to speak. His message was to be on the power of prayer. I cringed when I saw the first power point. Not because of anything he was saying was wrong, but because I could feel that knot in my throat as the rage began burning inside me again. That old familiar anger at God.
Many of you that know Josh and I, know that we have been through a lot in our marriage. During the early years, I dealt with being mad at God for allowing our struggles. Inside I knew it was Josh's choices that had brought those things on, but I would still rant and rave at God because I knew He was big enough to put an end to it. But He didn't. This whole infertility thing has made my anger at God raise its ugly head once again. Like any other fit throwing child, my question to God is "Why?!". "Why do I have to fight and scratch and claw and beg You for everything that's important to me?! Haven't I done that enough for my marriage?!? Now a baby too??!" And as bad as this sounds, as the people in church were sharing their testimonies of God's faithfulness in their prayers, I felt like calling BS like in that card game I've seen people play. Not for them, but for me.
The service ended with an opportunity for prayer if you wanted it, but I didn't. I was too mad, and I wanted to stay that way. We left church for our traditional after service lunch at my mom's favorite place, Chili's. Lunch went fine, until my precious God-loving mother asked the question -"What'd you think of those testimonies? That was pretty great, huh?" To which I replied "BS. I feel like calling BS. All that may be fine for some people, but it obviously doesn't work for me." Thank you Lord for my amazing husband, because the next words out of his mouth were those of encouragement. He calls it "going on one". He began to remind me that if it weren't for the Lord's faithfulness in mine and our families prayers, he wouldn't be here today. "How could you hope so long for me, and not be able to do the same in this situation?" I hate it when he makes sense sometimes. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he is right. God answered my prayers and pleadings to bring us through our issues. He has made our marriage better than it has ever been because of everything we've been through. "He who started the work will be faithful to complete it in you." I can't remember where that verse is in the Bible off the top of my head, but it's true. When I'm mad at Him, He is faithful. When I don't understand, He is faithful. When I don't get my way, He is faithful. Thank you Lord for not being a roller coaster of emotions like I am.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
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