Today I'm on day 26 in my cycle. My cycles are a little longer than most women stretching out to around 35 days. It's usually about this time though that I hit that wall of hopelessness as I stare down the barrel of another childless month. It seemed like this whole week every tiny thing pushed me closer to the edge. Even something as silly as getting a post card reminder that it was time to schedule my yearly exam at the OBGYN. That means I'm going to have to face my doctor and make a decision as to where we go from here. I wouldn't say that I've "enjoyed" our time off of trying with meds and ultrasound visits, but the lack of stress between Josh and I has been nice.
The message at church today was a beginning to a series on the fruits of the spirit. As our pastor read in Galations 5, I was reminded of how many of these attributes barrenness has robbed from me.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! (Galatians 5:22, 23 NLT)
I heard something on the radio this week that summed up this time in my life well. The short program was during the Life Change Moment that runs on KLOVE. The woman speaking was describing her battle through infertility and the loss of a child almost at full term. She used the phrase "holy ache" to perfectly describe the pain a woman feels longing to hold a child of her own. Strangely, one of Josh's aunts had used the same word to characterize the situation a week before in speaking about the mother in law I never had the privilege to meet and myself. (Josh's mom passed away from breast cancer when he was 13.) She too thought she wasn't able to get pregnant and longed to have a child. But thankfully after many years, her prayers were answered with the birth of the child I now have the honor to call my husband.
The dictionary defines the word "ache" as a dull, persistant (usually moderately intense) pain, to feel physical pain, or to have a desire for something or someone who is not present. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to describe to Josh what this feels like. I know he wants a child too, but he will never be able to understand the longing a woman feels in this situation. I have to remind myself of that often. God put this desire in me as well as countless other women as well.
I also looked up the word "ache" in the bible. These are a few verses I found:
You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book. (Psalm 56:8 MSG)
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:26-28 MSG)
All of this hit me this morning in the form of this question. How does one continue to display these fruits of the spirit while simultaneously feeling this unsatisfiable ache in their soul? You think I have the answer? I wish. All I know is, there is a reason Josh and I were given this road to take. God has a purpose for our lives and for the tiny life we ache to bring into this world. The Lord has not forgotten us, and will see us through to the end. Amen.
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